-
It’s Just a Number
It was a BIG birthday this week. 60. It hurts to say it much more than anything else. Since age 40, I’ve had some students say, “What? You are THAT old? You don’t look that old.” Thanks. It has helped to hear that. They swear they didn’t say it for good grades; they really meant it . . . they said. I don’t know what I expected 60 to be. Like every birthday, it doesn’t feel any different. It helps it has come a couple of weeks after retirement. Now there is more time for reminiscing. Wow, 60 birthdays. I think back to the milestones. That photo above is my…
-
Lurch’s Bifocals
Between kindergarten and third grades, Alisa and I were good buddies. We spent a lot of time at each other’s houses. I loved going to her house where the furniture matched, her bedroom looked like it belonged to a girl instead of a grandma, she had a color TV, and her mother made my favorite breakfast. I can’t remember if I was still sleeping on our couch which made a bed or I had graduated to a Jenny Lind bed upstairs at the time, but I know my sister and I had a pink play kitchen complete with refrigerator, sink, and stove on our upstairs landing. It was made of…
-
Roasted Like Corn on the Cob
I’ve decided to take a break this week. This is the second day of my retirement and I thought I would let someone else rack their brain for something to write. I didn’t have far to look, because my sister roasted me this week at a retirement party honoring the three retiring teachers in our district. She underestimates her writing and speaking skills, but she had the room of approximately 50 people laughing the entire time. I stole the speech so I could highlight her. That, and I am a sucker for self-deprecating humor. “As many of you know, Carla and I are sisters, and contrary to what she always…
-
Cool, Clear Water
One of my students emptied a packet of sweetener into his bottled water during our first-period class yesterday and prompted students around him to ask why. He didn’t have any explanation other than it tasted good. A little odd, maybe, but many of us use additives in our morning drinks, don’t we? My husband and I put what we fondly call “coffee crack” into our coffee every morning. My favorite is Southern Butter Pecan. I have switched my drink habits up over the years. Many years ago, I was a soda drinker. Then I became addicted to sweet tea. I eventually stopped drinking all caffeinated and sugared drink for several…
-
Not Mad as a Hatter, Yet
“I’ll be there God willing and the creeks don’t rise,” said Mother for the hundredth time during my eight years. And she added, “If nobody’s sick.” She was on the phone talking to only God knew who, but it was definitely someone from the George Hart Post 167 VFW Auxiliary. It could have been one of her sisters. All seven of the Short girls belonged to the women’s auxiliary and I’m sure each of them had held multiple offices at some time or another. My mother was a natural born secretary/treasurer for every organization to which she ever belonged: VFW Auxiliary, PTA, our village township. At one point, she was…
-
Accumulation of Ridiculousness
It seems like yesterday, I was planning my first career: I’m in the bathtub rolling from back to belly and back again; water is up to my chin. With each roll, the water splashes as far up the side of the tub as it can, without spilling over onto the floor. I crawl backward as far as I can, scrunch my long legs up, then push forward, going the entire length of the tub back and forth in rapid succession, until finally forcing water up the walls and onto the rug. My little sister is being dried off because I can’t do the routine with both of us still in…
-
Fish Still Fear Him
I began immediately kidding my brother-in-law when I saw the shirt he was wearing the summer morning we were all heading to Holiday World in Santa Claus, Indiana with our families: WOMEN WANT ME, FISH FEAR ME. It was a cartoonish bass and buxom women. Too happy buxom women. “Are you really wearing THAT?” “Yeah, it’s my new T-shirt.” “I can’t believe you are wearing THAT!” “What? You don’t like it? What’s wrong with it?” He grinned. I didn’t think that question deserved an answer. It was obvious! And he seemed pretty proud of that stupid shirt, not embarrassed to have it draped over his chest in public. I was…
-
My Sister Tried to Kill Me
It began like any other school day. We were both trying to hog the mirror from the other and tempers were beginning to flare. I’m sure it really wasn’t my fault. I had been the only child for four years and had gotten all the love and attention from everyone. When this tiny new creature came to live in my house, I noticed how everyone’s perspective immediately changed. “Isn’t she precious?” “Look at that perfect little nose!” “All that gorgeous dark hair!” And she was, dang it. She was a beautiful baby. I had been born bald and was wearing blue cat-eye glasses to correct a crossing left eye by…
-
PEE-YEW!
Each time the stench wafted up my nose in an intermittent wave, I furtively sniffed around me. It had to be me. I was the only one sitting on that end of the couch. Once, twice . . . my nose quickly scanned each armpit as I reached up into a yawn or pretended to pull my hair back. My alarm didn’t go off, so arriving at my cousin’s house late for brunch was a given. There was no time to shower, pick out clothes, or put makeup on. I hurriedly scrubbed a toothbrush around in my mouth, put clothes on from the night before, and combed my hair…
-
Win Big at the Raffel
Looking out the superintendent’s office window, our science teacher asked me how to spell raffle. Being a sucker for spelling, I spelled it–r-a-f-f-l-e. He smiled wryly and said, “That’s what I thought–it’s misspelled on the marquee outside.” Attempting to protect the school’s image (and let’s face it–I’d probably go into your yard and change a “For Sell” to “For Sale” sign or climb a billboard with a bucket of paint if it were misspelled), I went out to transpose the letters. The sign had been up for days. The message was announcing a softball tournament fundraiser and “raffel” for a former student who’d had a horrific motorcycle accident. The softball…
